


Just Break the Silence

by toboldlyhomo



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 21:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1403380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toboldlyhomo/pseuds/toboldlyhomo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhduQhDqtb4">New Born by Muse</a></p><p>Every once in a while Jim would have day that, as far as Leonard could tell, turned to absolute shit for no apparent reason. He couldn’t do anything but watch as the man before him, usually so vibrant and warm, slumped about with his head held low and eyes practically stained red.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Break the Silence

Every once in a while Jim would have day that, as far as Leonard could tell, turned to absolute shit for no apparent reason. He couldn’t do anything but watch as the man before him, usually so vibrant and warm, slumped about with his head held low and eyes practically stained red.

Leonard tried to ask in the past, but all that ever did was make Jim walk away muttering under his breath that he was fine and that Leonard shouldn’t bother.

This was one of those days, and it pained Leonard to stand idly by as his best friend suffered.

Leonard looked at Jim, pleading and wringing his hands together nervously. “Jim, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing, Bones, I swear.” Jim refused to meet Leonard’s eyes as he stepped backwards, inching away. “Just need some time to myself. Clear my head.”

Leonard’s body rocked forward in an aborted attempt to reach out, hold Jim, and not let go no matter how hard he fought against him. But he felt powerless and, with a nod of his head moved to give Jim privacy in their bathroom.

He felt something clutch at his heart, a tight throbbing that assailed him and made his body involuntarily shudder at the sensation, as he took the last step out of the room and turned back to face him.

“You know you can always talk to me, right?”He asked as the door closed in front of him. The last thing he saw as they shut was Jim with his back to the mirror, peering over his shoulder at his reflection and dragging his fingers over the scars on his back as he lifted his shirt. The pale marks that riddled his skin, a physical reminder of a past which Jim could never hope to forget

Jim ignored the question with a sigh, the sound hidden from Leonard’s ears by the whooshing noise that sealed him away.

Free from prying eyes, Jim pulled the rest of the light grey Starfleet Academy shirt off of him, and then shucked his dark blue sweatpants and black boxers. He stood in the shower and turned the knobs to activate the torrents of water.

The first drops felt like icicles hitting his skin. He stood diligently underneath, letting his body be shrouded with it and soaking his hair. He shook all over, taking deep breaths to keep the shivers at bay. Slowly the water warmed and, soon, it felt as though there were flames licking at his skin.

 Jim closed his eyes and leaned forward, head resting against the rapidly heating tiles under the showerhead as the water spattered heavily against his back.

He relished the burn, clenching his eyes shut as it thudded against his back and turned him red. For as long as he could remember, since he left Tarsus IV, he would do this. He would stand under the torturous heat and wish with every fibre of his damaged body that it could melt away the scars. Leave him a blank canvas, unmarred by the cruelty of life and cleanse him.

He shuddered at the searing pain, moving his hands next to his head and widening his stance to brace himself as his legs started to wobble and his breathing grew laboured. The water dribbled from his hair and down his face, mingling with the welling tears in his eyes as a sob was torn from his throat.

He closed one hand into a fist, whacking the side of it against the tile and mumbling to himself. “It’s not enough…,” he cried out to himself. “I need… need to…” Jim hit the wall again, his whole body trembling and legs buckling beneath him.

He slowly eased himself down to sit on the floor of the shower, thighs drawn up to his chest and head resting on top of his knees. His fingers were matted in his hair as he was pummeled by the hot spray. “Why can’t I be clean?” he asked, over and over, clenching his hands into fists and pulling at his locks.

He rocked in place, muttering over and over, “Not enough… not enough…” Tears were falling freely from his eyes, lips quivering and every inch of him a violent shade of red. “Fuck fuck _fuck_ …! It’s not enough– I’m not enough… not clean… I can’t get clean…”

Leonard heard the muffled pounding through the wall, pacing close to the door and counting the seconds. Jim had been in there for close to 20 minutes, and he was sure he could see steam wafting through the crack under the door.

He took a deep breath and barged through the door.

“Jim, what are—“ The air left his lungs at the sight in front of him, the clear image of Jim in a heap on the floor despite the fogging of the glass panel. “Jim!” Leonard cried out, pulling open the door and turning the dial in the shower off. “Damn it, kid! What are you doing to yourself?!”

He crouched down, reaching a hand out tentatively to Jim but letting it hover in the space between their bodies, afraid to touch in case the water hard seriously hurt him.

Jim loosened his grip on his hair and turned his face away from Leonard, curling tighter into himself trying to hide. His body betrayed him as it shook again with the force of his sobs. He sniffled, wanting to put on a brave face and push the emotions back but failing.

 “Jim, please. Just tell me what’s wrong. Let me help you.” Leonard begged, finally putting his hand on Jim’s heated shoulder.

Jim slowly opened his eyes and leaned back into the touch, moving to look at Leonard.

“I… I can’t get clean,” he cried. “Bones, why can’t I be clean?” Jim’s voice was frail, laced with vulnerability and completely wracked. His skin was totally flushed and his eyes were wide and watering, focused on Leonard and wishing for answers.

Leonard raised an eyebrow and reached out with his other hand to cup Jim’s face, wiping away the tears with his thumb. “What do you mean, kid?”

“I can’t get it off, Bones. I don’t… I don’t want to be dirty anymore.” Jim dropped his arms to wrap around his own waist, legs falling to the floor beside him, and fingers hovering over the scars on his back. Leonard followed the movement with his eyes and felt a vice around his heart again.

“Jim, you aren’t dirty.” Leonard shifted his hand from Jim’s shoulder to place it over one of Jim’s and interlaced their fingers. “You’re beautiful, and these marks? They’re a testament to how strong you are. You’re amazing, Jim.”

Leonard kneeled closer and pressed his lips to Jim’s forehead, then pulled him into an embrace to cradle his face on his shoulder and whisper into his ear. “There’s nothin’ wrong with you, darlin’. You aren’t dirty at all, I promise. You’re starshine.”

Jim let out another choked sob and buried his face in Leonard’s neck, hands grasping at the fabric of his shirt. They were silent for a long time, Leonard’s throat burning as he held Jim and tried to stop himself from crying along with him.

“Why do you stay here, Bones? Why do you care so much?” Jim asked, his voice weak.

“Because,” he sighed, gathering his strength. “Because I love you, Jim. Every fool-headed part of you.”

“You do?” Jim pulled his face from Leonard’s neck in surprise, red-rimmed blue eyes sparkling under the bright lights.

Leonard winced, expecting Jim to reject him and run away. “I do,” he answered bashfully.

 “Bones, I… I love you too.” Jim reached out a hand to touch Leonard’s face, fingers carding through his hair and thumb grazing his cheek. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Leonard’s in a soft, chaste kiss. He sniffled again, but smiled against him. He drew back, shame in his expression. “But you deserve someone so much better. I’m… fucked up, Bones.”

“So am I, but you helped me get through that.” Leonard clasped one of Jim’s hands between his, kissing the bruised knuckles. “I want to do the same for you. I know I can’t hope to ever fix the past, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. Not ever. I’ll always be here for you, and I’ll do anything to make sure you can have the life you’ve earned. The happiness you deserve.”

Jim’s eyes teared up again, watching Leonard with fascination and adoration. “No one’s ever said anything like that to me, Bones. Thank you.”

“It’s what you do when you love someone, Jim. Plain and simple.” Leonard smiled at Jim and stroked up his arm, noting how his skin was losing the dangerous red hue from before. “Now, how about we get you off of this floor and into some clothes. Then we can talk properly.”

“I’d like that.”


End file.
